Of Tomoe And Kaoru
by no longer a fanfiction writer
Summary: (One-Shot) Which one loves Kenshin more, and which one does the rurouni love more? Kaoru is having an internal dilemma on the matter. Takes place right before Enishi & Kenshin’s fight. Please r+r :-)


**Of Tomoe And Kaoru**

by Dora-chan

This story takes place on the eve of Kenshin & Enishi's fight (Vol 21 Part 182-183 to be precise). Kaoru had just learned of Kenshin's past and his marriage to Tomoe, and Kenshin had just recovered from the Shishio incident.

I reversed and rearranged the events a little. It makes a little more sense to me this way. And don't worry, I like Tomoe ^_^ I'm not going to bash her in here.

Disclaimers: Nope, Kenshin doesn't belong to me.

@----

"Fifty thousand!" Yahiko counted, soaked in sweat, panting slightly in the middle of the dojo.

"Good," said Kaoru absently. "Now do five thousand more."

"Five―" gasped Yahiko, outraged. "The fight is tomorrow, busu! Making me swing my arms around isn't going to help!"

"Teaching you all the succession techniques isn't going to help much either," she retorted. "The fight is tomorrow, and it's silly to try to learn all the techniques of the Kamiya School in less than 24 hours. So, five thousand. Chop chop, hurry up."

Mumbling rebelliously under his breath, the boy commenced to do the allotted exercises. Kaoru observed him for half an hour, but she was hardly paying any attention at all. Once or twice, Yahiko displayed the wrong posture on purpose and Kaoru hardly noticed. At last, she muttered a random excuse or two and walked out of the dojo, oblivious to Yahiko's irritated protests.

She wandered into the busy Tokyo streets, trying not to look as aimless as she felt. She just needed to get away from the dojo. Anywhere but the dojo. Somehow, her own home incessantly reminded her of Tomoe, and she decided she just needed a break from them all.

She knew it was foolish to be jealous of a dead woman; Kaoru had always been an accepting person, and she was willing to take in Kenshin's entire past―Tomoe and all. In fact, what Kenshin and Tomoe had was perhaps the most romantic and bittersweet love story Kaoru had ever heard. It wasn't a competition at all (the idea itself seemed somewhat grotesque), but Megumi had deliberately _turned_ it into a competition.

_"It's not about winning or losing!"_

_ "Oh, really? _(Damn that vixenish sarcasm!) _Then if you had been in her position, would you have died like she did?"_

Had Tsubame not been there, Megumi might have plainly stated that Kaoru's love could never rival Tomoe's affection for her husband. Kaoru's devotion to the ex-hitokiri cannot even be compared to the depths of Tomoe's sacrifice for the man she loved. What would a 17-year-old girl like her know about love anyways?

Reading between the lines, Kaoru saw that the foxy doctor also implied that it was not only a competition of _who_ loved Kenshin more...it was also _ whom_ Kenshin loved more. Tomoe, who was elegant and refined, courageous and beautiful...was Kenshin's first love. She was the one who revealed to him the beauty of life to balance his perception of death, and she gave him a whole new philosophy in living. She was the one who made him the rurouni he is today.

So Tanuki-chan, he could never, never love you as he did Tomoe. 

Kaoru kicked a small bush on the side of the road savagely and stomped down the road. This made her feel rather like a child, and her pride bruised further as she remembered the woman that Tomoe was.

_So what if I'm not as mature or as experienced as Tomoe? So what if I have the **slight** tendency to beat people with my shinai!? I―_

Kaoru's thoughts went blank. _I...what? If my love can't be as strong as Tomoe's, and if Kenshin can't ever love me as much as he did Tomoe, then what ** am** I?_

She pushed her tears back, refusing to cry. She suddenly realized how stupid and pathetic it was to weep simply because the man she loved turned out to be a widow. 

_"You're no substitute for Tomoe."_

Kaoru had never thought of herself as a substitute, until Megumi jabbed that cruel comment into her soul. Judging from Megumi's tone, the foxy doctor had meant that Kaoru was _not good enough _a substitute to love Kenshin as Tomoe did...and _not good enough _to be loved by Kenshin in Tomoe's place. No one can ever take the sacred place of Tomoe in Kenshin's heart.

_"Don't tell me you're admitting defeat to a dead woman!"_

Kaoru sighed. What the hell was Megumi getting at anyways? Was it reverse psychology, vixen-style? Although Kenshin's first marriage had been filled with deceit and revenge, Tomoe's death had made her somewhat of a martyr. In death, Kenshin could only remember her goodness and her hidden compassions. To him, she was the perfect woman and the ideal goddess. She can do no wrong.

She's perfect and she's dead. 

_I haven't got a chance._

@----

"Ken-san," said Megumi, kneeling down beside him on the back porch. The rurouni looked up and smiled quietly. Next to him, Sanosuke glanced the doctor up and down once and grinned widely at her in a lopsided fashion. 

"Good afternoon, Megumi-dono. How do you do?"

"I'm...I'm fine." Megumi pursed her lips, wondering where to begin. She regarded the redheaded man before her in grave silence.

"Would you like some tea?" the rurouni offered pleasantly.

"...No," ―her voice miserable.

"Are you looking for Kaoru-dono? She's not here at the moment―"

"No...actually, I came...I came for you."

"What do you want?" Sanosuke asked. He was never known for his patience. 

Megumi glanced at him irritably, then returned to Kenshin seriously. "Kenshin," she began. "I understand that you need to engage in another deadly fight tomorrow..."

Kenshin waited quietly for her to continue.

"Well," she hesitated. "I already told Kaoru this in Kyoto after Shighio is defeated, and I think it is time that I tell you as well. As your personal doctor, I know that your reflexes and nerves are unfathomable, and that you have been the invincible legendary hitokiri up to this point."

She paused. "But I must also remind you that you have a normal, human body. Shishio had failed to take your life, but his attacks had nonetheless taken their toll. You are not that same swordsman who left for Kyoto a couple months ago, Ken-san."

"Sessha understands," Kenshin said.

"And this next fight," Megumi went on, her delicate brows furrowed. "If you don't be careful...you could...you could die, Ken-san."

"Sessha knows," Kenshin replied quietly, his deep purple eyes serious. "Sessha never enters a fight without knowing the consequences, Megumi-dono. A hitokiri cannot afford to be reckless."

Megumi's brown eyes bore into Kenshin's, not being able to bring herself to say what she had come to say. Kenshin gazed into her eyes questioningly, and she had to tear away from his violet orbs lest she lose control and throw herself on him.

Which, on second thought, was a rather pleasant prospect.

"Yo, fox," Sanosuke called. "You look like you want to say something but can't. Well, we haven't got all day, so spit it out already."

Megumi glared at him. Ignoring his bluntness, she turned back to Kenshin and took a deep breath. 

"Well, Ken-san, since you know that there is a possibility that...you may not come back after Enishi's fight, you ought to...tanuki-chan and...feelings," Megumi stuttered, trailing off. At the end, she couldn't do it. After all, it's not easy task to tell the man one loves to go make love to another woman.

"Oro?" ―with rurouni obliviousness. Megumi sighed, fidgeting. 

"Ah, I see," Sanosuke muttered. Contrary to common believe, the young gangster _does_ have perception skills, and at that moment he put them to good use. He could tell that Megumi was highly uncomfortable. With a brief flash of melancholy in his eyes, Sanosuke decided to save Megumi from squirming under Kenshin's gaze.

"Kenshin you moron," Sanosuke said loudly, whacking the rurouni on the head. "You should go to Jou-chan and confess your feelings now! What are you waiting for? To have Enishi kill you?"

"Oro!?" Kenshin stared at Sano, his eyes wide circles.

"Don't "oro" me, rurouni!" continued Sanosuke forcefully. "Tomorrow is the big fight, so you have to make everything clear to her tonight! If something should happen to you―not that anything will―do you want her to go on forever not knowing how much you love her?"

"Oro..."

"Stop saying that, dammit," Sano hissed. "Go find Jou-chan right now and tell her how you feel before it's too late. I mean, what's in your way? The sunset? Your mutual love? The quiet, romantic atmosphere with just the two of you?"

Kenshin looked down at the ground. "I suppose..."

"Or are you afraid that she is too young to accept a man like you?" Sano said, carefully avoiding Megumi's eyes this whole time. "But she isn't the average girl...Life hadn't exactly been kind to her either, you know, with her father gone like that. But the storms that life had hurled at her made her grew and gave her courage and wisdom not often seen in girls her age. With Jou-chan, the mind is more mature than the body, Kenshin"

Sano swallowed. That was about the most eloquent speech he had ever made; he wondered how he had managed it. He had always admired his Jou-chan for the above reasons...but he had never bothered to tell her so because it had always been more fun to tease her than to tell her how womanly she really was. He stole a glance at Megumi, then quickly returned his eyes to Kenshin.

"Sessha knows," Kenshin said, sighing. "She is a peerless one, Kaoru-dono is. But it's just that..."

"Here," Sanosuke said finally. "I'll even give you a pick-up line or two. Flattery is the key. You know, the classic ones: 'Yo babe, is it hot in here or is it just you?' Or...tell her you're tempted to call Saitoh because it's _ illegal_ for her to look that fine. Or tell her that you _really_ want to show her how hitokiri's can stand at attention all night long..."

Sanosuke's mischievous grin faded when he caught Kenshin's scowl. Sanosuke cleared his throat and continued in a more serious tone.

"Fine, talk about her eyes, then. Girls always like that. Go to her tonight, look up at the sky, and tell her that her eyes are like a million stars. That they light your dark night up in ways that you never thought possible. They are like those heavenly bodies that sailors look up to for guidance. You can melt yourself into them and be eternally lost..."

Sanosuke trailed off and shrugged. "You know, poetic crap. Girls like that kind of stuff."

"Oro..." murmured the rurouni, staring at the hem of his hakama.

"Well," Sano prompted. "What are you waiting for? Go find Jou-chan already. You haven't got all day."

After a moment of uncertain delay, Kenshin got up and walked toward the front gate. Megumi's eyes followed him as he walked across the yard. He paused for an instant before the gate, then pushed it open decidedly and disappeared from view.

"Remember!" Sanosuke called after him. "Her eyes and the stars!"

A calm silence fell on the back porch after Kenshin's departure. Now it was Sano's turn to fidget. Feeling Megumi's silence keenly, Sanosuke found himself sweating profusely and he cursed himself for it. Feigning boredom, he yawned and stood up, planning to escape to Akabeko. 

"Thank you," Megumi said quietly, stopping Sano in his tracks.

Sanosuke turned halfway, glancing at her from the corner of his eyes. Then he flashed her a familiar lopsided half-smile.

"No problem, vixen. Any time."

@----

Kaoru found herself in the bamboo grove. Her feet had somehow led her there, she wasn't sure why. Sighing, she looked up at the twilight sky and recalled Megumi's words once more.

_"...__if anyone can stop him from dying in battle, it's you. The only person in Tokyo he wanted to say goodbye to. I won't let you dwell in the past..."_

She was determined that she would not dwell on Kenshin's past or on Tomoe, for that matter. But it wasn't Tomoe who bothered her...it was Kenshin.

Perhaps that was why he kept on sending her mixed signals. There were times where he clearly desired her, then so soon afterwards he would push her firmly away. Maybe he, too, saw her as a substitute. Maybe he desired her because of her resemblance to Tomoe, then pushed her away because he knew in his heart that it was wrong and offending to both Tomoe and Kaoru for him to feel that way.

_Who does Kenshin really see when he looks at me? _

Kaoru put an involuntary hand over her heart. She knew that she would go on loving him regardless; Megumi had been wrong in that matter. Perhaps it was true that she wouldn't die for Kenshin as Tomoe had done, and her love for Kenshin was quite different from Tomoe's...but that didn't mean that her love was any less genuine or less passionate. 

True, Tomoe had loved Kenshin for a much longer period of time. But be it a year or a month, love is still love, and time alone cannot judge the intensity of it. She loved Kenshin with all her heart and soul. Even Megumi can't refute that.

"Kaoru-dono?"

She turned around, surprised. There, behind her, stood her beloved rurouni, looking at her with tender violet eyes, clear and bright in the dark. He smiled.

"I finally found you."

"You were looking for me?" she asked, still surprised, as Kenshin walked over and stood next to her.

"Yes. Tsubame told sessha that I might find you here."

A silence fell between them. Kaoru gazed around at nothing in particular as she twirled a flower absently between her fingers. For a moment she was happy―Kenshin had actually pursued her for once, instead of the other way around. She enjoyed the quietness of the evening and her earlier doubts flew from her mind for a fleeting moment or two.

Next to her, Kenshin was sweating profusely. He looked down intently at the bushes on the ground and abruptly broke the silence with uncharacteristic nervousness.

"The―the stars," the rurouni began, blushing wildly in the dark. "The stars―"

"Mou, there are no stars tonight," Kaoru commented absently, glancing dully up at the dark night sky.

"Oro?" Kenshin followed Kaoru's gaze, widening his eyes into circles.

"Odd," said Kaoru. "Tokyo is usually pretty starry this time of the month."

_Even fate is against sessha!_ the rurouni groaned inwardly.

"Er..." Kenshin's mind raced. _What other pickup lines were there?_ "Y-yo, Kaoru-dono...is it really hot in here, or―"

"Not really," Kaoru muttered, confused. A light breeze blew by, her raven hair following it softly in the air.

_Damn._ The ex-hitokiri made himself a mental note to jump a certain ex-gangster later that night.

"Um...sessha is very tempted to call Saitoh, because..." Kenshin swallowed. "Because you are illegal."

"What?" 

"No! No! It's because...because sessha would like to show you how us hitokiri's do it all night―"

_ORO!!_ Kenshin did a mental _Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu_ on himself as he backed away physically. _I am so dead...DEAD!!!_

Blushing scarlet, Kaoru raised a fist to give the rurouni very swirly eyes. Kenshin braced himself and squeezed his eyes tight, waiting for the death blow. But the punches never came. When he opened his eyes again, Kaoru had turned her back towards him, her head bowed slightly. 

"Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin said uncertainly, surprised that he was still alive after all those blunders.

There was a long pause, where Kaoru remained silent and Kenshin regarded her questioningly. Something was hurting her, and the fact antagonized Kenshin. He had vowed to protect her from all harm, but...

"I supposed Tomoe never hit you, huh?" 

Kenshin's eyes widened. Kaoru kept her back facing him, but she had always been rather impetuous and had never hid her emotions well. Her voice had revealed it all to Kenshin. He lowered his head and stared at the autumn leaves that had fallen to the ground.

"Kaoru-dono," he said quietly at last. "I'm sorry if my past with Tomoe had unsettled you―"

"I wasn't unsettled, Kenshin," she said firmly. "When I asked you to stay at the dojo that day, I made it clear that I don't care about your past. I can accept it all―Batousai, the bloodshed, and also Tomoe. But I'm a woman, too, Kenshin. I don't think I can accept...being loved simply as a replacement."

Kenshin gasped. Wha―replacement? How did she even come up with that idea? How could _anyone_ think of her as a replacement―! 

_Ah. Megumi. That explains it all._

"Kaoru-dono," Kenshin said gravely, stepping closer to her. "I admit to you, I have loved Tomoe since the age of 15. She was my first love and I gave her everything that my boyish heart could possibly offer at that time. She was the woman who taught me the to love and to see the brighter side of life amidst the hellish turmoil of the Bakumatsu...

"When she died...under my own hands...it felt as though I have died, too. I became a rurouni and wandered away from family life and from happiness. A man who could kill a wife like Tomoe didn't deserve happiness. The impact of her death was so great that I thought I never could love another again."

A soft breeze passed, sweeping the leaves from the ground. Kenshin's amethysts eyes became melancholy as he continued in a lower voice.

"But you came along, Kaoru-dono. You came and reopened the compassions in my rurouni heart that had been dormant all these years. You taught me how to be human and to love once more. You gave me courage to venture to give my all to a woman for the second time in my life..."

He reached around her shoulders and embraced her, pulling her body back against his. Her feminine curves fit comfortably into to his, and it seemed such a natural thing to do that he did not even feel nervous about touching her. He closed his eyes and buried the lower half of his face in her fragrant, raven hair.

"It is true that the 15-year-old love that I gave to Tomoe I could never, never give to another. But that was over thirteen years ago...Now I can offer a woman so much more―something more intricate, something more matured. I have allowed you to seep into parts of my being that I have never shown Tomoe―parts of my being that a boy of 15 did not even _have_."

Unconsciously, he bent his head down and pressed his lips to side of her neck, caressing her warm, delicate skin. He loved the feeling of her body within his arms and wished to keep it there forever. Suddenly his eyes widened and, realizing how far he was going, he quickly retreated in shock. Kaoru, however, turned around and flung her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.

"Don't you dare pull back after a speech like that," she murmured into his magenta gi.

Kenshin smiled, and wrapped his arms around her small waist. They held one another contently as the starless Tokyo night drew on. Kaoru inhaled Kenshin's scent softly and thought of Tomoe once more...

_Thank you, Tomoe...for making a rurouni out of Battousai._

**THE END**

@----

**Author's note:** I have never seen the anime or the movie, but I started to read the volumes of the manga with Tomoe's appearance a few days ago and find myself being strangely fond of her. I'm still a Kaoru-fan, but like Kenshin, I like both of them! ^_^ So that was when I decided to do this fic.

Feedbacks and constructive comments are greatly appreciated.


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